Week of October 30, 2005

Last week, Samantha's story; this week some solutions. Topping the news are bully-proofing tips from someone who's been there. I'm referring to Samantha Hahn, National American Miss Teen 2005, who was the victim of severe bullying and cyberbullying for years, starting in the 6th grade. Here's Samantha's advice to both kids and parents:

1. Always tell an adult - get help from people you trust.

"That's the most important thing you can do," Samantha said she always tells students. "I took it for a long time before I opened up," Samantha said, "so I tell people, 'Respect yourself enough to tell an adult, no matter how small the situation is, because, if it hurts you, that is enough reason to tell an adult. You are important.'"

2. Know that it is not your fault.

3. Use humor to deflect bullying.

"Bullies soon grow tired of bullying if they see they aren't getting to you, and humor is usually the best way to show they aren't. I always tell kids that if they really want to bother someone who's picking on them, they should just be nice to them - the ol' 'kill them with kindness' really works."

4. Tell the bully to stop.

"Something I suggest is to write three things you can say, when faced with a bully, on a school notebook or textbook cover. This way, you program these points in your head - for example, 'Why are you calling me that?' 'Does it make you feel better to put me down?' Make them think. Stand up for yourself by saying things like, 'I really don't appreciate the way you're treating me.' I know when I was younger, my nerves would get the best of me, and I would never be able to think quick enough to stand up for myself - this way you're ready."

5. Remove yourself from the situation. If someone else is being bullied, be a "good bystander."

"Bystanders play a huge role in this as well," Samantha says. "There are two types of bystanders: good ones and bad ones. Good ones enter the conflict without becoming part of the fight. They may make something up, like saying a teacher needs to speak with the victim, just to get that child out of the harmful situation ... or asks if s/he wants to join in a game. Instead of rooting a fight on, good bystanders will go get help from an adult. Bad bystanders do nothing or encourage the bullying. I stress to victims: Be the better person. Don't add to the fight. If you choose to fight back or name-call back, you are only lowering yourself to their level and becoming a bully yourself."

6. This is huge: Keep records. Save IMs and emails (copy and paste IMs into Word docs) - evidence of bullying that occurs online (Samantha's parents kept a file, she told me - see last week's feature).

"I also suggest keeping a descriptive journal. Description is key, especially when the bully is denying what s/he has done. Also make sure you have a copy of every report the school may file. It is important for schools to take the proper action. When a student has crossed the line of minor bullying and has turned it into harassment, a bias crime, physical abuse, or a threat, then it is necessary to fill out a report and copy this material for the police department. Always involve the school - nothing is too small. Verbal abuse can quickly turn into more extreme abuse, such as physical and cyberstalking. It is important for schools to stress that this behavior is not acceptable."

7. Don't become a bully yourself! (See her comment after No. 5.)

8. Hang out with people who let you be you.

Samantha told me it was her parents who taught her to "prove that I was the better person" and not stoop to the level of the person bullying her - something she always tries to leave with her student audiences. "If one victim chooses not to fight back and just walks away, she is becoming a better person. If the next victim chooses the same, he too is becoming a better person. This continues on until we have a better school environment filled with kids who know the importance of being strong and better people who care about how others feel."

Click here for Samantha's story in brief, or here for her own telling of it.